I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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