We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
