i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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