Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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