Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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