Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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