Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
