there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
