Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
