He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize