You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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