my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
