I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
