The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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