so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
