I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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