Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
