dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
