How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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