There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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