Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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