She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
