He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
