I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
