toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
