I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
