I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
