I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
