i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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