She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
