A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
