a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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