just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
