Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I got her a Nickelback box set.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
