Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
