Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think your dad took our porno
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
