my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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