So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
