I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
