Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
