Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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