I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
