ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
