We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Drake has all the answers
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
