I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just found puke in my bra..
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
