i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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