My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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