Umm I'm too high to move.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
