Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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