how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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