i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
