omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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