Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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