apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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