i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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