chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
