so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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