when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
