Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
